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Random Announcer: The following segment might be harmful to your mental condition. If you feel offended by anything that is the content of this segment, we can say nothing but screw you. The respective writer has been fired, yet he filed in a suit against us and has to be employed here, since there were no directives contradicting this interpretation of our code of governance. Anyway, enjoy this master piece or be a fan of the Greece national squard.
J.R is standing in the ring in order to make an announcement.
J.R.: Fans of CSW, Ladies and Gentlemen and King. As you noticed CSW is back from the seasons break.
Big cheers.
J.R.: and I have the special honor to introduce to you, somebody you are dying to see. Ladies and Gentlemen, King……. The champ is here.
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Aapjee makes his way to the ring, while a surprised J.R. grabs his head.
J.R.: Well, I said : The champ is here, not the chimp is here? What are you doing here.
Aapjee seems to chew something.
Aapjee: Eating Bitterballen!
J.R.: What is it?
Aapjee: Try one!!
He hands one to J.R., who tastes it immideatly.
J.R.: Wow, this is awesome, but it would be better with some BBQ sauce…. Damn, what am I doing here. Get out of the ring….
He takes a deep breath.
J.R. : Hope, it works this time: THHHEE CHAAAMP IS HEEERE!!!!
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Nothing happens.
J.R.: Shhhhhite, what the heck is going on, Putain!!!!
A loud putain is to be witnessed.
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CG makes his way to the ring under the deafening cheers of the crowd. He is companied by Hagbard, Discordia, some peope in white jackets, the French national team of soccer, some guys from the “A rite of passage RP”, that the overpaid writer of this segment is either too lazy or too drunk to name, and a box with five holes.
In front of him walks Lukas carrying the CSW HW Title.
The host finally enters the after circling around the ring five times and singing dirty French songs while trying to pose their bites on somebody elses epaule.
CG steps towards J.R. looking mildly miffed and of course a few tipsy, while still being able to display his trademark arrogance kind of thing. The noice in the arena peaks, as CG takes his KOO (not really OON this time) position and makes J.R. feel slightly uncomfortable.
With a voice that only a natural born coward could imitate J.R. dares (but almost failes) to ask:
Why is Lukas carrying the title?
He is trembling.
CG’s eye are filled with wrath and hatred in a way that even old school wargods Ragnar would envy him. He seems determined to commit an act of cruelty beyond imagining for the shallow minded average viewer of CSW (at least those few who watch it regularly, mainly because they are too lazy to leave the couch). The tension is rising every tenth of a second, which in this case seem like ages (Also it has to be noted, that the two of them really didn’t move for quite a while).
CG perform a serious of high-speed dodges and blocks until J.R. is utterly confused and has J.R. expects it the least he steals his microphone and jumps onto the rope.
Evilly pumped up he starts.
CG: IF YOOOOOU SMELLLL WHATTTT THEEEEEEE….
His face suddenly show horror and despair. His voice now has a feeling of disgust apparent to every person in the arena, and rather calmly he continues
CG: THE ARSCH IS POPINGGGGGGG!!! PUTTTTTIIIIIN
He grabs his nose
J.R.: I think you meant PUTAIN!
CG: Now I meant Putin. Vlad! How many times did I tell you? Go to the toilet before we make this entrance.!With all the garlic you consumed, it had to end in tears! Bahh this is ugly. Get out of here for Christ’s sake.
A small blond guy rushes at backstage at incredible speed, while the audience isn’t too sure whether to laugh, feel disgusted, make a phone calls or eat some garlic as well.
A clever hot-dog seller at once realizes the situation and begins to sell “Brown Russians”.
CG: Problem Solved, brilliant!!! Ehm what now. First all: I demand a title match!!!!
J.R.: But you just won the highest title in online wrestling that is available for you crap character.
CG: You might think that is a valid point, but if you inspect it closely you will realize, that I only supports my claim, because it means I am definitely deserve at title shot and would could better show this desert than have the title already?
J.R.: So what you want that title, which you can get, because you already have it, for?
CG: J.R., you know when I was college in post-war Austria my teacher said to me you want the impossible, They said to me, Cord, do you listen Cord you just cannot prove the consistency of Peano Arithmatics, it is impossible. And I said, yes, to you shallow minded person it might be, but you also think that peanuts are a good tv-snack and utterly fail to see that they are much, much more. By the way people, fans of CG, citizens of the whole world, the original Arsch-Peanuts are available now at ArschStore.com. The first two million orders get a beating for free, optionally also a nice box with five hole. And yes J.R. I did prove the consistency of Peano Arithmatics, by using new methods of advanced Bee-Mathamtics, in particular this Buzzalgebra.
J.R.: One Question CG. Your name is Cord?
CG: Yep it is.
J.R.: But you are officially registered as Clemens, in our record.
CG: Then your records are slightly outdated, I am Cord now.
J.R.: Since when.
CG: Since this very moment.
J.R.: But then how could your teacher call you Cord back then.
CG: Although they were shallow minded they had to acknowledge my extreme potential, which included them anticipation this day here to come. And to be honest it was evident it would come.
J.R.: Uhm was it. Anyway CG would you mind answering my initial question. Why does Lukas carry your belt?
CG: Well, I came about to consider giving something back, after my recent successes. Yet a problem arose. I wanted to something good for the people in need. But you know there are so many of them and it is hard to choose, there are the starving children in Africa, the catastrophes in Asia, bad television in American, Brown Russians etc. etc. So me and the hood did some needed some device to simplify the decision. We came across and played Rock-Paper-Scissor- Lizard-Spock for like 12 hours and BAZINGA! It hit Lukas, he is the chosen one.
J.R.: So you are going to tell me, that out of all the huge problems in the world, you picked Lukas to be helped?
CG: Exactly, just look at him. He has never won anything, nobody likes him. He has to fake trips Australia to hook up. Well and he even lost to Stevo. So for once he shall something good to make his life a little brighter. One big cheer for Lukas!!!
The crowd cheers like mad, although they do not really know why. It seems the beer flows easily today. Very good for the beer industry in Canada of course.
J.R.: So gave him you title? Is he the Heavyweight Champion now?
CG: Are you kidding me, I would never do something that stupid. He could carry it to the ring with me today, that is the closest he will ever get to that title. And anyway it is my title, I earned it, it is my precious, its mine, do you hear me, MINE, MINE..ehm MINE.
J.R.: Well, some people might doubt that you won the title with fair means and if I remember correctly you weren’t overly happy winning it that way.
CG: I was convinced otherwise.
J.R.: By what?
CG: Absinthe, yes it was absinthe. Well and some chaos goddesses that would prefer to stay anonymous gave me right the support I needed, to cope with this tough situation, if you know what I mean.
J.R.: Actually I don’t and I doubt our dear audience does.
CG: Am I talking PL-2 with two-dimensional semantics, fancy modal operators back up by a ridiculous ontology of actual possible words, and time operator that can cope with meta-time understood A-theoretically, as well as rigid designators to pick out reference directly and deontic operators that never would be used by any sane person?
J.R.: So you nailed her?
Discordia giggling. The crowd is running wild (wicked pervs they are)
CG: I wouldn’t put it that way, but kind of yes. You are kind of slow, aren’t you?
J.R.: So who do see as your immediate competition?
CG: You are starting to bore me, could you please get out of my light. As an emperor I talk to kings only. So get me one, if you want to continue this interview?
J.R.: I don’t see one.
CG: J.R. you are being inappropriate, and now get me a king!
Encourage by this King step from the commentator’s table and enters the ring.
King: Hey CG.
CG: Finally a king in here.
King: So Champ, what are your thought on Ragnar Bloodwrath?
CG: Well, I fought him quite often actually. For me he never was and will never be the threat some people think he is. This funny Cult thing is over now and to be honest I gonna miss it. You might ask why?
King: Why?
CG: Why are you ask such complicated questions? How should I know?
King: But, you told me to ask.
J.R.: King, don’t provoke him, he don’t seem in the mood for that!
CG: Jasper, shut up! Rather than talking without being asked, you should rather do something useful. Jasper, prepare the absinthe!!!!
Unexplainable “Absinthe, Absinthe” screams from the audience.
J.R.: Me? I have never done that.
CG: Really? Then it is time that you learn how to do it. I want a la Republique now!
J.R. turns around just to receive the necessary equipment from CG staff.
CG: While the jasper prepares my little fée verte, I might be tempted to answer your question, King.
King: Which question?
CG: The one I told you ask.
King: Ah I see. So shoot.
CG: I really liked all those special effects and Skitz was playing his role so well.
King: I definitely have to agree with you on that. I am kind of intrigued about how this Illuminati vs. LDD thing will continue.
CG: I honestly don’t know, I haven’t received any new script yet. Actually I am still riddling who assaulted me?
King: Any guesses so far.
CG: Jasper, where is me absinthe? … ehm I can definitely exclude Ragnar from that list. Lukas knows he wouldn’t win anything anyway. Stevondo was occupied with….. well I really don’t know what he was occupied with.
King: I would say listening to his favorite singers.
CG: Could be. Anyway I exclude him from the list a priori.
Discordia, who looks incredibly hot today, step towards the center of attention ( this a blatant lie, since she was the center of attention the whole. Who cares about what the guys were talking about anyway)
Discordia: It might be Yoda.
CG: Hey, I was about to say that.
Discordia: But you didn’t.
CG: I was just building up for a huge climax.
Discordia: As if you would know anything about building up a climax.
Some cheers and some people just don’t get it.
CG: Yoda, would be a candidate. He might be the Primus that wants to enslave the whole world.
King: Like always say: never trust green old midgets performing magic tricks and speaking in their own grammar.
CG: True.
Discordia: I don’t like his lightsaber.
CG: Is there something you want to share with us, Cordy?
Discordia: Yes, but not now.
J.R.: I think I am done.
CG: You think you are done or you are done?
J.R.: I am done.
J.R. brings a glass filled with some slightly green liquid which CG grabs with his left hand. He lifts it into the air.
CG: Santé.
He takes the glass to his mouth and empties it in one.
CG: That was bloody good, jasper. At least you have some talent. I think you should now prepare absinthe for the whole audience, I they might be waiting for a good drink.
J.R. leaves and does as he was told.
King: Just a random question: do you have any role models left in CSW?
CG: Of course I have. There is Mongo, to name one, he was the only 4 time CSW Champion and he definitely was usually understating his achievements. He never took himself to be superior during his high profile time. Sadly this accident took him out of the race. Well, then there is Tilitus for sure. I have never seen a person drinking that much and as you might remember the footage of my night out with the monkey counts as quality evidence that I am quite a skilled drinker as well. Yet Tili is in a league far beyond. People might be wondering why you rarely hear from him. The answer is plain and simple: because he is so facing wasted all the time. I have to admit that I admire his ability to compete in matches at all. Most other human beings would already be dead with that amount of blood alcohol, but he just enters a wrestling ring and fights like a maniac…… Then I have a lot of respect for Groon.
King: Why Groon? Nobody respects Groon.
CG: Have you seen him recentaly?
King: No?!
CG: See, he doesn’t even have to be here to keep his CSW running, I have never really seen this happening. Either signed a deal with the Illuminati already, which I doubt, or he has some strange ability to run this place without actually doing anything. Am I the only one to find that slightly a few amazing this?
King:Speaking of them, any news from the Illuminati front? Rumors where found on the internet that they are offering you a high profile contract, if you subdue you services to their cause.
CG: King, as the creeping elderly man you are, I am slightly surprised you use the internet to catch up with state of affairs rumors of the online wrestling business. I definitely imagined being more of the myspace stalker, being friends with underage female facebook users just to see their intimate party and beach pictures.
King: Damn you got me, CG.
CG: No problem, there is help for you, actually I just called the police before I got here.
King: Thank… ehm, you bloody bastard, how did you know that I was….
CG: I was just kidding man.
King: So what is up with that rumor?
CG: Yeah, there was an offer from their side.
King: And?
CG: I am still heavily thinking about it, I mean the pay is pretty good, but working times kind of suck.
King: You are not really telling me and all your fans out there, that you are seriously considering it?
CG: Actually I do! I mean at some point you just have take care of your future, I might seriously need that money when I am done with wrestling.
Cheers from the crowd (to be honest CG paid the audience in advance to make this a special night)
CG: well, and being part in an evil conspiracy that tries to usurp world power in order to enslave mankind really isn’t the worst thing you can do for a living.
King: Yeah, I definitely see your point… do they have a job for me as well?
CG: Nope, as I take it, they don’t have any use for old, creepy people claiming themselves to be kings and not even doing their regular job anymore, which is commentating wrestling matches.
King: Fair enough.
Meanwhile in an outstanding act of force and will J.R. has served the whole arena with perfectly prepared absinthe, to the loud cheers of everyone.
CG: But no decision is made from my side yet. This LDD thing is fun as well, and their advantages are obvious.
King: I can definitely see that.
CG: Actually I forgot on person I came to admire recently.
King: Would you like share his name with us?
CG: What kind of question is that? How you I possibly share a name? Is that even ontologically and metaphysically feasible? I am tempted to doubt it.
King: Ok, let me rephrase: Who da heck is it?
CG: I don’t know what heck got to do with it but, I might take the time to answer this question accordingly….
King: carry on.
CG: I was just taking an intellectual break, to make the rest sound cooler. It is y2h. I have only once in my life seen a better wrestling related story.
Laughter, (probably not because of what CG said, but more because people are more than just wasted)
CG: Going to a ring and challenging somebody… I mean that is just pure awesomeness. I should do something like that as well.
King: No please don’t.
CG: King, just in case you haven’t realized yet, you can’t stop me anyway.
King: I have to admit you are right.
CG: I hereby challenge Heinrich Wilhelm von Batzen and I will not leave this ring before comes here to fight.
King: CG, we have other matches planned for today, they can’t reschedule the whole show, just because of you.
CG: I am the reigning CSW champion, letting me do whatever I want to do is the least that CSW can do in return.
Approval from the audience (although they probably don’t really know what they agreed to anyway)
Discordia: I think CG is right on that.
CG: Of course I am right and now Heinrich get your german cul out here.
CG sits down in the corner of the ring and crosses his arms to appear a bit more annoyed, but he fails, therefore he decides to appear rude instead.
CG: Jasper, as we are waiting for this stupid german anyway, prepare another absinthe for me and the people.
Jasper, ehm J.R.: Yes, Sir.
King: This really is getting ridiculous.
Hagbard: Wrong, King, this has gone ridiculous like 20 minutes ago. As of now you are only left with the option of letting him his will.
King: Putain.
CG: King, would you please stop using my catchphrase. It is an copyright infringement and doubt that you can afford a lawyer good enough to stand the slightest chance, if I take this to court.
King: Ok, Cord.
CG: And don’t call me Cord! Anyway, Heinrich come out and play!!!!
Nothing happens for like 5 minutes (despite the audience getting even more wasted, actually the first ones are seen rushing to the toilet in order to vomit.)
CG get up again and starts to walk up and down in the ring and every time he faces the entrance area he throws gestures of obscenity towards that direction. King is clearly uncomfortable with the situation as it is, while J.R. still works happily on preparing absinthe.
King: This can’t go on like this!
CG: Apparently there is nothing you can do to change it.
King: Well, I can call: SECURITY!!!! GET THIS PERSON OUT OF THE RING!!!
CG: I am not gonna leave unless this german comes here and then I might eventually decide to fulfill your request, maybe.
A bulk of heavily armed and violently screaming security people is rushing towards the ring. Somebody in the audience holds up a “Make love not war” sign. The host that came to the ring with immediately give way to the security, which is hardly a surprise since most of them are French.
CG grabs the ropes as the security guys try to take him out of the ring.
CG: I will not leave this ring!
Deafening cheers from the audience, which now starts singing “assassina policia”. Others hold up signs saying “If CG leaves we riot”.
Meanwhile King cowardly leave the ring, while J.R. is done with the absinthe and turns his attention to the ring, where CG manages to defend his position at the ropes against ten security guys at the same time.
CG: Come on guys, you don’t stand the chance, give it up and I will not unleash my wrath on your pathetic existences.
CG proves to be more resilient than the security expected, so they step away from him to coordinate their next strike. Yet CG turns around, put his hands into his pockets. They start storming at him but are stopped by CG throwing peanuts at them. Those that aren’t hit in the first place nonetheless slip over by those peanuts that find themselves on the ground. An absolutely ridiculous picture, only to be topped by the friendly soccer game England had against Brazil last Saturday.
CG: So do we all agree on me spending the rest of the show in this ring.
An enormous “Yeah” from the crowd, (to be fair they are completely out of their respective minds).
The security clearly has given up and heads back backstage, while the audience is starting to sing “Allez la cohune”. Suddenly Hagbard grabs the microphone.
Hagbard: As anybody realize that we are time traveling. There is a huge difference between what my watch says and what the game time says. That is slightly odd.
CG: Who cares, it is only the effect of A-Time to be impossible when understood eternalistically, but I am still waiting for Heinrich.
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Heinrich makes his way to the ring.
CG: So you finally let you self down to accept my challenge?
Heinrich: Challenge? I am just here because you idiot are blocking the ring and I have match against y2h now!
CG: What? There are matches planned for today? I thought I was “CG is the greatest appreciation” night? Why should anybody book matches for such a great event.
Heinrich: Leave that ring already bloody Austrian, you are annoying everyone in here.
CG: Is that true Fans of CSW?
A loud NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is to be witnessed
CG: See, the fans like it!
Heinrich: This is totally absurd.
CG: If you think so? I kind of like it and they seem to enjoy it as well.
Heinrich: Putain.
CG: Why is everybody stealing my catchphrase these days, I clearly do not approve it.
Heinrich: So could you leave the ring now, I have a match and with you staying there it is hardly possible.
CG: Are you so keen on having your match? Do you want to become one of the G’s of CSW or what?
Heinrich: Even if that would be the case, that still is none of your business.
CG: That’s what you say. It actually is my business, because first of all the G’s are hilarious, yet and that immediately leads me to my second point: you are far to hilarious for them. With your pathetic existence you would steal each of the show and they try that hard to make every single mistake possible.
Heinrich: It is not my fault, I blame the writers.
CG: Yep, indeed your gimmick is horrible. A german soldier from 19th century, accidently time traveling to the present and his way from his way back of the Battle of Karlovy Vary. Then getting into the wrestling business because there is nothing else he can do. I mean seriously, who came up with that.
Heinrich: But it is the truth.
CG: Yes, yes, of course…. Really? You got to be kidding me?
Heinrich: No.
CG: Come on? Who are you gonna fight anyway?
Heinrich: y2h.
CG laughs heavily and the audience joins him (they seem to have lost all inhibitions left and just behave as primitive as possible)
CG: You want me to stop, because you wanna fight y2h? Come on, even you could do better!
Heinrich: I know, but hey at least I will win that match in green and making him submit.
CG: Well, that is actually true, yet you could also fight me and come to real fame. Or are you just a coward like Jack Maverick. Damn that guy probably still thinks I raped him, such a fool.
Heinrich: Who’s that?
CG: Just some pathetic person that could take the heat. Actually I think he is responsible for Mongo’s downfall. Damn, was he pathetic. He almost reminds me of mister Peanut himself. The Wok!!! This guy was definitely wasn’t smarter than an average peanut. It is good that both of them retired. They were no worthy competing in an online ring anyway.
As this is being said to unknown persons storm out of the spectators and enter the ring.
CG: Jack, Wok, what are you doing here?
Heinrich: Could you two guys please solve this apparent problem, I have a match coming up.
CG: Heinrich, you better go backstage, because in case your match really happens it will be horrible for the guy editing the matches to delete your entrance and make the whole stuff seem the least plausible.
Heinrich: Come on, it should be to hard.
CG: But you know how lazy is the staff is.
Jack: I was never lazy, CG, how can you possibly say something like that.
CG: Jack, stop that bloody whining. Somebody will have to edit this segment as well and that should already be enough work.
Jack: But I did a whole show and just because it wasn’t perfect I got so much abuse form everybody else.
Heinrich: CG, maybe you are right, it would look rather silly if I keep standing here at ring side and then I make an entrance again for the match.
CG: OMG, he has a brain. Heinrich you are making some progress.
Heinrich goes back backstage and is completely ignored by the audience.
CG: And Jack shut up, nobody every wants to see you whining. You could have had at least the guts to stay as long to face me again. And yes I never really raped you, but you were just not clever enough to realize what was really going on.
Jack: That is so lame CG. You have always been lame.
CG: Not everybody can be as awesome as you Jack obviously. By the way what is Wokguy doing here. You retired because nobody really likes you.
Affirmation from the crowd, which seems totally subject to his will and is flipping the bird towards Wok.
CG: Anyway I am the greatest and you can’t deny that fact. I have the highest non-speed lightness in game.
Extraordinary loud cheers from the crowd. ( they are even more wasted now, since J.R. without asking prepared another round of absinthe)
CG: I have won a horrible amount of tournies and unlike both of you I defeated Ragnar Bloodwrath 3 times in aired one on ones. Both of you are a bloody disgrace to would online wrestling is about and should therefore decide to go home in shame.
Wok:
CG: Shut up, speak to the hand because the face won’t listen.
Jack: This segment is far too long, how do you plan to end it?
CG: Who ever claimed it will end? I will just stay here and talk to my beloved fans.
Wok:
CG: Wok, shut up! You are definitely not smarter than an average peanut. Actually a peanut has to be much smarter. And unlike you they had huge influence on the industry. Just look at the audience, they are buying peanuts in an unlikely high amount, while nobody is buying Wok-Merch ever since you where buttkicked out of TIZ.
You could see how Wok get angry and Jack doesn’t seem much happier. (Despite the fact that those two guys are ridiculous anyway and the audience truly dislikes them)
Wok out of nowhere has a huge wok in his hand and tries to assault CG. (In case the reader wonders why all those people standing around in the scenery don’t interfere, the writer of this segment can assure him or her that he was just lazy to take care anymore and he just had to end the segment somehow)
CG dodges the attack with ease, but he couldn’t escape the tackle a furious Jack launched at him and in consequence takes him to the ground. Like a miracle CG gets up rather quickly and try to attack his adversaries. Yet he is stopped by an appearing Lionman that takes him down with his sheer presence. (It has to be noted that without admitting it, CG is the earlierst and biggest Lionman fan around, so his presence at this special moment is just too much for him).
Jack: How did you do that?
Lionman: He just had to acknowledge that I am the greatest, although being much younger than him. It must have been too much for him.
Finally the writer of this segment appears.
Writer: Enough of that`? Jack, Wok, Lion take him backstage, we still have a show going on here and we can’t effort so much time being wasted on such a overlong and senseless segment.
Loud boos from the crowd.
Writer: Stop booing or I will force you to cheer by just changing the script.
Loud cheers.
Writer: And know follow my orders!
Jack: Why should we?
Writer: Because of that!
Suddenly he takes of his mask and he turns out to be CG.
Wok: How is that possible?
Jack rushed to the in ring CG and checks him. As it turn out the person is wearing a mask as well. Slowly but steadily Jack takes it of his face.
CG: Now you are confused, aren’t you.
Jack takes of the mask and it turns out to be…… Jack.
Jack: That is impossible.
CG: Try again.
Jack realizes that the knocked out person is wearing another mask. He take this one of as well and surprise surprise, he turns out to be CG’s absolutely unknown twin brother.
CG: Bazinga. I definitely got you all. Let Cord go and we will end this horrible ploy right here.
Jack, Wok and Lionman realizing that they were completely outfooled by the writer (CG) help the person up and he leaves the ring voluntarily.
He joins CG.
CG: And now to your total surprise we will let the masks fall again.
Having said this, the CG takes of another mask and turns out to be the writer of this segment. The writer takes of the masked the other person is wearing and it turns out to be CG.
CG: Bazinga again, I got you, fools.
Being utterly confused Jack, Wok and Lion leave the ring, going back to the audience. In their despair they take some of the absinthe that J.R. prepared and disappear in the crowd.
CG: Dear writer what we gonna do now.
Writer: Well, CG you had your fun, I think we should end this thing here.
CG: Ok, how much do I have to pay you?
Writer: We will decide that once we are backstage, well done champ this segment was probably the longest ever to be aired in TWG. You should be proud! But now let’s go!
A loud putain is to be witnessed
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CG, the underpaied writer, Lukas , Discordia, Hagbard and the French national team leave the arena, leaving every sane viewer utterly confused. Yet the audience is drunk, happy and well entertained for their money.
J.R. enters the ring again.
J.R.: The champ, ladies and gentlemen. But now something completely different. Heinrich will face off against Y2H.
This earn a none reaction from the crowd ( which by now is far to wasted to realize the significance of this glorious match).
J.R is standing in the ring in order to make an announcement.
J.R.: Fans of CSW, Ladies and Gentlemen and King. As you noticed CSW is back from the seasons break.
Big cheers.
J.R.: and I have the special honor to introduce to you, somebody you are dying to see. Ladies and Gentlemen, King……. The champ is here.
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Aapjee makes his way to the ring, while a surprised J.R. grabs his head.
J.R.: Well, I said : The champ is here, not the chimp is here? What are you doing here.
Aapjee seems to chew something.
Aapjee: Eating Bitterballen!
J.R.: What is it?
Aapjee: Try one!!
He hands one to J.R., who tastes it immideatly.
J.R.: Wow, this is awesome, but it would be better with some BBQ sauce…. Damn, what am I doing here. Get out of the ring….
He takes a deep breath.
J.R. : Hope, it works this time: THHHEE CHAAAMP IS HEEERE!!!!
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Nothing happens.
J.R.: Shhhhhite, what the heck is going on, Putain!!!!
A loud putain is to be witnessed.
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CG makes his way to the ring under the deafening cheers of the crowd. He is companied by Hagbard, Discordia, some peope in white jackets, the French national team of soccer, some guys from the “A rite of passage RP”, that the overpaid writer of this segment is either too lazy or too drunk to name, and a box with five holes.
In front of him walks Lukas carrying the CSW HW Title.
The host finally enters the after circling around the ring five times and singing dirty French songs while trying to pose their bites on somebody elses epaule.
CG steps towards J.R. looking mildly miffed and of course a few tipsy, while still being able to display his trademark arrogance kind of thing. The noice in the arena peaks, as CG takes his KOO (not really OON this time) position and makes J.R. feel slightly uncomfortable.
With a voice that only a natural born coward could imitate J.R. dares (but almost failes) to ask:
Why is Lukas carrying the title?
He is trembling.
CG’s eye are filled with wrath and hatred in a way that even old school wargods Ragnar would envy him. He seems determined to commit an act of cruelty beyond imagining for the shallow minded average viewer of CSW (at least those few who watch it regularly, mainly because they are too lazy to leave the couch). The tension is rising every tenth of a second, which in this case seem like ages (Also it has to be noted, that the two of them really didn’t move for quite a while).
CG perform a serious of high-speed dodges and blocks until J.R. is utterly confused and has J.R. expects it the least he steals his microphone and jumps onto the rope.
Evilly pumped up he starts.
CG: IF YOOOOOU SMELLLL WHATTTT THEEEEEEE….
His face suddenly show horror and despair. His voice now has a feeling of disgust apparent to every person in the arena, and rather calmly he continues
CG: THE ARSCH IS POPINGGGGGGG!!! PUTTTTTIIIIIN
He grabs his nose
J.R.: I think you meant PUTAIN!
CG: Now I meant Putin. Vlad! How many times did I tell you? Go to the toilet before we make this entrance.!With all the garlic you consumed, it had to end in tears! Bahh this is ugly. Get out of here for Christ’s sake.
A small blond guy rushes at backstage at incredible speed, while the audience isn’t too sure whether to laugh, feel disgusted, make a phone calls or eat some garlic as well.
A clever hot-dog seller at once realizes the situation and begins to sell “Brown Russians”.
CG: Problem Solved, brilliant!!! Ehm what now. First all: I demand a title match!!!!
J.R.: But you just won the highest title in online wrestling that is available for you crap character.
CG: You might think that is a valid point, but if you inspect it closely you will realize, that I only supports my claim, because it means I am definitely deserve at title shot and would could better show this desert than have the title already?
J.R.: So what you want that title, which you can get, because you already have it, for?
CG: J.R., you know when I was college in post-war Austria my teacher said to me you want the impossible, They said to me, Cord, do you listen Cord you just cannot prove the consistency of Peano Arithmatics, it is impossible. And I said, yes, to you shallow minded person it might be, but you also think that peanuts are a good tv-snack and utterly fail to see that they are much, much more. By the way people, fans of CG, citizens of the whole world, the original Arsch-Peanuts are available now at ArschStore.com. The first two million orders get a beating for free, optionally also a nice box with five hole. And yes J.R. I did prove the consistency of Peano Arithmatics, by using new methods of advanced Bee-Mathamtics, in particular this Buzzalgebra.
J.R.: One Question CG. Your name is Cord?
CG: Yep it is.
J.R.: But you are officially registered as Clemens, in our record.
CG: Then your records are slightly outdated, I am Cord now.
J.R.: Since when.
CG: Since this very moment.
J.R.: But then how could your teacher call you Cord back then.
CG: Although they were shallow minded they had to acknowledge my extreme potential, which included them anticipation this day here to come. And to be honest it was evident it would come.
J.R.: Uhm was it. Anyway CG would you mind answering my initial question. Why does Lukas carry your belt?
CG: Well, I came about to consider giving something back, after my recent successes. Yet a problem arose. I wanted to something good for the people in need. But you know there are so many of them and it is hard to choose, there are the starving children in Africa, the catastrophes in Asia, bad television in American, Brown Russians etc. etc. So me and the hood did some needed some device to simplify the decision. We came across and played Rock-Paper-Scissor- Lizard-Spock for like 12 hours and BAZINGA! It hit Lukas, he is the chosen one.
J.R.: So you are going to tell me, that out of all the huge problems in the world, you picked Lukas to be helped?
CG: Exactly, just look at him. He has never won anything, nobody likes him. He has to fake trips Australia to hook up. Well and he even lost to Stevo. So for once he shall something good to make his life a little brighter. One big cheer for Lukas!!!
The crowd cheers like mad, although they do not really know why. It seems the beer flows easily today. Very good for the beer industry in Canada of course.
J.R.: So gave him you title? Is he the Heavyweight Champion now?
CG: Are you kidding me, I would never do something that stupid. He could carry it to the ring with me today, that is the closest he will ever get to that title. And anyway it is my title, I earned it, it is my precious, its mine, do you hear me, MINE, MINE..ehm MINE.
J.R.: Well, some people might doubt that you won the title with fair means and if I remember correctly you weren’t overly happy winning it that way.
CG: I was convinced otherwise.
J.R.: By what?
CG: Absinthe, yes it was absinthe. Well and some chaos goddesses that would prefer to stay anonymous gave me right the support I needed, to cope with this tough situation, if you know what I mean.
J.R.: Actually I don’t and I doubt our dear audience does.
CG: Am I talking PL-2 with two-dimensional semantics, fancy modal operators back up by a ridiculous ontology of actual possible words, and time operator that can cope with meta-time understood A-theoretically, as well as rigid designators to pick out reference directly and deontic operators that never would be used by any sane person?
J.R.: So you nailed her?
Discordia giggling. The crowd is running wild (wicked pervs they are)
CG: I wouldn’t put it that way, but kind of yes. You are kind of slow, aren’t you?
J.R.: So who do see as your immediate competition?
CG: You are starting to bore me, could you please get out of my light. As an emperor I talk to kings only. So get me one, if you want to continue this interview?
J.R.: I don’t see one.
CG: J.R. you are being inappropriate, and now get me a king!
Encourage by this King step from the commentator’s table and enters the ring.
King: Hey CG.
CG: Finally a king in here.
King: So Champ, what are your thought on Ragnar Bloodwrath?
CG: Well, I fought him quite often actually. For me he never was and will never be the threat some people think he is. This funny Cult thing is over now and to be honest I gonna miss it. You might ask why?
King: Why?
CG: Why are you ask such complicated questions? How should I know?
King: But, you told me to ask.
J.R.: King, don’t provoke him, he don’t seem in the mood for that!
CG: Jasper, shut up! Rather than talking without being asked, you should rather do something useful. Jasper, prepare the absinthe!!!!
Unexplainable “Absinthe, Absinthe” screams from the audience.
J.R.: Me? I have never done that.
CG: Really? Then it is time that you learn how to do it. I want a la Republique now!
J.R. turns around just to receive the necessary equipment from CG staff.
CG: While the jasper prepares my little fée verte, I might be tempted to answer your question, King.
King: Which question?
CG: The one I told you ask.
King: Ah I see. So shoot.
CG: I really liked all those special effects and Skitz was playing his role so well.
King: I definitely have to agree with you on that. I am kind of intrigued about how this Illuminati vs. LDD thing will continue.
CG: I honestly don’t know, I haven’t received any new script yet. Actually I am still riddling who assaulted me?
King: Any guesses so far.
CG: Jasper, where is me absinthe? … ehm I can definitely exclude Ragnar from that list. Lukas knows he wouldn’t win anything anyway. Stevondo was occupied with….. well I really don’t know what he was occupied with.
King: I would say listening to his favorite singers.
CG: Could be. Anyway I exclude him from the list a priori.
Discordia, who looks incredibly hot today, step towards the center of attention ( this a blatant lie, since she was the center of attention the whole. Who cares about what the guys were talking about anyway)
Discordia: It might be Yoda.
CG: Hey, I was about to say that.
Discordia: But you didn’t.
CG: I was just building up for a huge climax.
Discordia: As if you would know anything about building up a climax.
Some cheers and some people just don’t get it.
CG: Yoda, would be a candidate. He might be the Primus that wants to enslave the whole world.
King: Like always say: never trust green old midgets performing magic tricks and speaking in their own grammar.
CG: True.
Discordia: I don’t like his lightsaber.
CG: Is there something you want to share with us, Cordy?
Discordia: Yes, but not now.
J.R.: I think I am done.
CG: You think you are done or you are done?
J.R.: I am done.
J.R. brings a glass filled with some slightly green liquid which CG grabs with his left hand. He lifts it into the air.
CG: Santé.
He takes the glass to his mouth and empties it in one.
CG: That was bloody good, jasper. At least you have some talent. I think you should now prepare absinthe for the whole audience, I they might be waiting for a good drink.
J.R. leaves and does as he was told.
King: Just a random question: do you have any role models left in CSW?
CG: Of course I have. There is Mongo, to name one, he was the only 4 time CSW Champion and he definitely was usually understating his achievements. He never took himself to be superior during his high profile time. Sadly this accident took him out of the race. Well, then there is Tilitus for sure. I have never seen a person drinking that much and as you might remember the footage of my night out with the monkey counts as quality evidence that I am quite a skilled drinker as well. Yet Tili is in a league far beyond. People might be wondering why you rarely hear from him. The answer is plain and simple: because he is so facing wasted all the time. I have to admit that I admire his ability to compete in matches at all. Most other human beings would already be dead with that amount of blood alcohol, but he just enters a wrestling ring and fights like a maniac…… Then I have a lot of respect for Groon.
King: Why Groon? Nobody respects Groon.
CG: Have you seen him recentaly?
King: No?!
CG: See, he doesn’t even have to be here to keep his CSW running, I have never really seen this happening. Either signed a deal with the Illuminati already, which I doubt, or he has some strange ability to run this place without actually doing anything. Am I the only one to find that slightly a few amazing this?
King:Speaking of them, any news from the Illuminati front? Rumors where found on the internet that they are offering you a high profile contract, if you subdue you services to their cause.
CG: King, as the creeping elderly man you are, I am slightly surprised you use the internet to catch up with state of affairs rumors of the online wrestling business. I definitely imagined being more of the myspace stalker, being friends with underage female facebook users just to see their intimate party and beach pictures.
King: Damn you got me, CG.
CG: No problem, there is help for you, actually I just called the police before I got here.
King: Thank… ehm, you bloody bastard, how did you know that I was….
CG: I was just kidding man.
King: So what is up with that rumor?
CG: Yeah, there was an offer from their side.
King: And?
CG: I am still heavily thinking about it, I mean the pay is pretty good, but working times kind of suck.
King: You are not really telling me and all your fans out there, that you are seriously considering it?
CG: Actually I do! I mean at some point you just have take care of your future, I might seriously need that money when I am done with wrestling.
Cheers from the crowd (to be honest CG paid the audience in advance to make this a special night)
CG: well, and being part in an evil conspiracy that tries to usurp world power in order to enslave mankind really isn’t the worst thing you can do for a living.
King: Yeah, I definitely see your point… do they have a job for me as well?
CG: Nope, as I take it, they don’t have any use for old, creepy people claiming themselves to be kings and not even doing their regular job anymore, which is commentating wrestling matches.
King: Fair enough.
Meanwhile in an outstanding act of force and will J.R. has served the whole arena with perfectly prepared absinthe, to the loud cheers of everyone.
CG: But no decision is made from my side yet. This LDD thing is fun as well, and their advantages are obvious.
King: I can definitely see that.
CG: Actually I forgot on person I came to admire recently.
King: Would you like share his name with us?
CG: What kind of question is that? How you I possibly share a name? Is that even ontologically and metaphysically feasible? I am tempted to doubt it.
King: Ok, let me rephrase: Who da heck is it?
CG: I don’t know what heck got to do with it but, I might take the time to answer this question accordingly….
King: carry on.
CG: I was just taking an intellectual break, to make the rest sound cooler. It is y2h. I have only once in my life seen a better wrestling related story.
Laughter, (probably not because of what CG said, but more because people are more than just wasted)
CG: Going to a ring and challenging somebody… I mean that is just pure awesomeness. I should do something like that as well.
King: No please don’t.
CG: King, just in case you haven’t realized yet, you can’t stop me anyway.
King: I have to admit you are right.
CG: I hereby challenge Heinrich Wilhelm von Batzen and I will not leave this ring before comes here to fight.
King: CG, we have other matches planned for today, they can’t reschedule the whole show, just because of you.
CG: I am the reigning CSW champion, letting me do whatever I want to do is the least that CSW can do in return.
Approval from the audience (although they probably don’t really know what they agreed to anyway)
Discordia: I think CG is right on that.
CG: Of course I am right and now Heinrich get your german cul out here.
CG sits down in the corner of the ring and crosses his arms to appear a bit more annoyed, but he fails, therefore he decides to appear rude instead.
CG: Jasper, as we are waiting for this stupid german anyway, prepare another absinthe for me and the people.
Jasper, ehm J.R.: Yes, Sir.
King: This really is getting ridiculous.
Hagbard: Wrong, King, this has gone ridiculous like 20 minutes ago. As of now you are only left with the option of letting him his will.
King: Putain.
CG: King, would you please stop using my catchphrase. It is an copyright infringement and doubt that you can afford a lawyer good enough to stand the slightest chance, if I take this to court.
King: Ok, Cord.
CG: And don’t call me Cord! Anyway, Heinrich come out and play!!!!
Nothing happens for like 5 minutes (despite the audience getting even more wasted, actually the first ones are seen rushing to the toilet in order to vomit.)
CG get up again and starts to walk up and down in the ring and every time he faces the entrance area he throws gestures of obscenity towards that direction. King is clearly uncomfortable with the situation as it is, while J.R. still works happily on preparing absinthe.
King: This can’t go on like this!
CG: Apparently there is nothing you can do to change it.
King: Well, I can call: SECURITY!!!! GET THIS PERSON OUT OF THE RING!!!
CG: I am not gonna leave unless this german comes here and then I might eventually decide to fulfill your request, maybe.
A bulk of heavily armed and violently screaming security people is rushing towards the ring. Somebody in the audience holds up a “Make love not war” sign. The host that came to the ring with immediately give way to the security, which is hardly a surprise since most of them are French.
CG grabs the ropes as the security guys try to take him out of the ring.
CG: I will not leave this ring!
Deafening cheers from the audience, which now starts singing “assassina policia”. Others hold up signs saying “If CG leaves we riot”.
Meanwhile King cowardly leave the ring, while J.R. is done with the absinthe and turns his attention to the ring, where CG manages to defend his position at the ropes against ten security guys at the same time.
CG: Come on guys, you don’t stand the chance, give it up and I will not unleash my wrath on your pathetic existences.
CG proves to be more resilient than the security expected, so they step away from him to coordinate their next strike. Yet CG turns around, put his hands into his pockets. They start storming at him but are stopped by CG throwing peanuts at them. Those that aren’t hit in the first place nonetheless slip over by those peanuts that find themselves on the ground. An absolutely ridiculous picture, only to be topped by the friendly soccer game England had against Brazil last Saturday.
CG: So do we all agree on me spending the rest of the show in this ring.
An enormous “Yeah” from the crowd, (to be fair they are completely out of their respective minds).
The security clearly has given up and heads back backstage, while the audience is starting to sing “Allez la cohune”. Suddenly Hagbard grabs the microphone.
Hagbard: As anybody realize that we are time traveling. There is a huge difference between what my watch says and what the game time says. That is slightly odd.
CG: Who cares, it is only the effect of A-Time to be impossible when understood eternalistically, but I am still waiting for Heinrich.
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Heinrich makes his way to the ring.
CG: So you finally let you self down to accept my challenge?
Heinrich: Challenge? I am just here because you idiot are blocking the ring and I have match against y2h now!
CG: What? There are matches planned for today? I thought I was “CG is the greatest appreciation” night? Why should anybody book matches for such a great event.
Heinrich: Leave that ring already bloody Austrian, you are annoying everyone in here.
CG: Is that true Fans of CSW?
A loud NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is to be witnessed
CG: See, the fans like it!
Heinrich: This is totally absurd.
CG: If you think so? I kind of like it and they seem to enjoy it as well.
Heinrich: Putain.
CG: Why is everybody stealing my catchphrase these days, I clearly do not approve it.
Heinrich: So could you leave the ring now, I have a match and with you staying there it is hardly possible.
CG: Are you so keen on having your match? Do you want to become one of the G’s of CSW or what?
Heinrich: Even if that would be the case, that still is none of your business.
CG: That’s what you say. It actually is my business, because first of all the G’s are hilarious, yet and that immediately leads me to my second point: you are far to hilarious for them. With your pathetic existence you would steal each of the show and they try that hard to make every single mistake possible.
Heinrich: It is not my fault, I blame the writers.
CG: Yep, indeed your gimmick is horrible. A german soldier from 19th century, accidently time traveling to the present and his way from his way back of the Battle of Karlovy Vary. Then getting into the wrestling business because there is nothing else he can do. I mean seriously, who came up with that.
Heinrich: But it is the truth.
CG: Yes, yes, of course…. Really? You got to be kidding me?
Heinrich: No.
CG: Come on? Who are you gonna fight anyway?
Heinrich: y2h.
CG laughs heavily and the audience joins him (they seem to have lost all inhibitions left and just behave as primitive as possible)
CG: You want me to stop, because you wanna fight y2h? Come on, even you could do better!
Heinrich: I know, but hey at least I will win that match in green and making him submit.
CG: Well, that is actually true, yet you could also fight me and come to real fame. Or are you just a coward like Jack Maverick. Damn that guy probably still thinks I raped him, such a fool.
Heinrich: Who’s that?
CG: Just some pathetic person that could take the heat. Actually I think he is responsible for Mongo’s downfall. Damn, was he pathetic. He almost reminds me of mister Peanut himself. The Wok!!! This guy was definitely wasn’t smarter than an average peanut. It is good that both of them retired. They were no worthy competing in an online ring anyway.
As this is being said to unknown persons storm out of the spectators and enter the ring.
CG: Jack, Wok, what are you doing here?
Heinrich: Could you two guys please solve this apparent problem, I have a match coming up.
CG: Heinrich, you better go backstage, because in case your match really happens it will be horrible for the guy editing the matches to delete your entrance and make the whole stuff seem the least plausible.
Heinrich: Come on, it should be to hard.
CG: But you know how lazy is the staff is.
Jack: I was never lazy, CG, how can you possibly say something like that.
CG: Jack, stop that bloody whining. Somebody will have to edit this segment as well and that should already be enough work.
Jack: But I did a whole show and just because it wasn’t perfect I got so much abuse form everybody else.
Heinrich: CG, maybe you are right, it would look rather silly if I keep standing here at ring side and then I make an entrance again for the match.
CG: OMG, he has a brain. Heinrich you are making some progress.
Heinrich goes back backstage and is completely ignored by the audience.
CG: And Jack shut up, nobody every wants to see you whining. You could have had at least the guts to stay as long to face me again. And yes I never really raped you, but you were just not clever enough to realize what was really going on.
Jack: That is so lame CG. You have always been lame.
CG: Not everybody can be as awesome as you Jack obviously. By the way what is Wokguy doing here. You retired because nobody really likes you.
Affirmation from the crowd, which seems totally subject to his will and is flipping the bird towards Wok.
CG: Anyway I am the greatest and you can’t deny that fact. I have the highest non-speed lightness in game.
Extraordinary loud cheers from the crowd. ( they are even more wasted now, since J.R. without asking prepared another round of absinthe)
CG: I have won a horrible amount of tournies and unlike both of you I defeated Ragnar Bloodwrath 3 times in aired one on ones. Both of you are a bloody disgrace to would online wrestling is about and should therefore decide to go home in shame.
Wok:
CG: Shut up, speak to the hand because the face won’t listen.
Jack: This segment is far too long, how do you plan to end it?
CG: Who ever claimed it will end? I will just stay here and talk to my beloved fans.
Wok:
CG: Wok, shut up! You are definitely not smarter than an average peanut. Actually a peanut has to be much smarter. And unlike you they had huge influence on the industry. Just look at the audience, they are buying peanuts in an unlikely high amount, while nobody is buying Wok-Merch ever since you where buttkicked out of TIZ.
You could see how Wok get angry and Jack doesn’t seem much happier. (Despite the fact that those two guys are ridiculous anyway and the audience truly dislikes them)
Wok out of nowhere has a huge wok in his hand and tries to assault CG. (In case the reader wonders why all those people standing around in the scenery don’t interfere, the writer of this segment can assure him or her that he was just lazy to take care anymore and he just had to end the segment somehow)
CG dodges the attack with ease, but he couldn’t escape the tackle a furious Jack launched at him and in consequence takes him to the ground. Like a miracle CG gets up rather quickly and try to attack his adversaries. Yet he is stopped by an appearing Lionman that takes him down with his sheer presence. (It has to be noted that without admitting it, CG is the earlierst and biggest Lionman fan around, so his presence at this special moment is just too much for him).
Jack: How did you do that?
Lionman: He just had to acknowledge that I am the greatest, although being much younger than him. It must have been too much for him.
Finally the writer of this segment appears.
Writer: Enough of that`? Jack, Wok, Lion take him backstage, we still have a show going on here and we can’t effort so much time being wasted on such a overlong and senseless segment.
Loud boos from the crowd.
Writer: Stop booing or I will force you to cheer by just changing the script.
Loud cheers.
Writer: And know follow my orders!
Jack: Why should we?
Writer: Because of that!
Suddenly he takes of his mask and he turns out to be CG.
Wok: How is that possible?
Jack rushed to the in ring CG and checks him. As it turn out the person is wearing a mask as well. Slowly but steadily Jack takes it of his face.
CG: Now you are confused, aren’t you.
Jack takes of the mask and it turns out to be…… Jack.
Jack: That is impossible.
CG: Try again.
Jack realizes that the knocked out person is wearing another mask. He take this one of as well and surprise surprise, he turns out to be CG’s absolutely unknown twin brother.
CG: Bazinga. I definitely got you all. Let Cord go and we will end this horrible ploy right here.
Jack, Wok and Lionman realizing that they were completely outfooled by the writer (CG) help the person up and he leaves the ring voluntarily.
He joins CG.
CG: And now to your total surprise we will let the masks fall again.
Having said this, the CG takes of another mask and turns out to be the writer of this segment. The writer takes of the masked the other person is wearing and it turns out to be CG.
CG: Bazinga again, I got you, fools.
Being utterly confused Jack, Wok and Lion leave the ring, going back to the audience. In their despair they take some of the absinthe that J.R. prepared and disappear in the crowd.
CG: Dear writer what we gonna do now.
Writer: Well, CG you had your fun, I think we should end this thing here.
CG: Ok, how much do I have to pay you?
Writer: We will decide that once we are backstage, well done champ this segment was probably the longest ever to be aired in TWG. You should be proud! But now let’s go!
A loud putain is to be witnessed
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CG, the underpaied writer, Lukas , Discordia, Hagbard and the French national team leave the arena, leaving every sane viewer utterly confused. Yet the audience is drunk, happy and well entertained for their money.
J.R. enters the ring again.
J.R.: The champ, ladies and gentlemen. But now something completely different. Heinrich will face off against Y2H.
This earn a none reaction from the crowd ( which by now is far to wasted to realize the significance of this glorious match).
